Dear Family and Friends,

My tenure in China has gone beyond its halfway point. I myself can hardly believe it, but I just received the email stating I needed to buy my ticket for my return. As I look back on the past eight months, I can do nothing but smile. I know I say it a lot, but China changed me. This place healed something inside of me that was broken, and I know that when I return home, I will be whole again.

Now it has been a while since I have updated you on my adventures, so let me take this moment to give you a play by play of the past couple months including holidays and quite a bit of travel (I really racked up those frequent flyer miles). Of course I missed my family, and Thanksgiving and Christmas will never be the same without them. To me, the holidays will always encompass going to Aunt Sherry’s and eating Ed’s amazing mashed potatoes, or going to the farm and sliding the dogs my dad’s “prized” deep fried wild turkey that he just shot (buckshot included). To me these are the holidays, but this year I was lucky enough to gain some new memories.  

 First of all, there was Thanksgiving. Now the irony of celebrating an entirely American holiday such as this in China is not lost on me, and trust me there was some “lost in translation” when it came down to it. All in all though, it was a night I will never forget. Leigh and I packed our bags and headed to the big cities (Leigh to Zhuzhou and I to Changsha). I stayed with Tina of course, and seeing as it is Tina’s favorite holiday we had to do it in style. She sent out an invite and we had a WorldTeach Thanksgiving at the Sheraton.

One thing I have learned about the Chinese people is that they love Western culture, so give them a holiday and they will run with it and the Sheraton did just that. At this amazing dinner there were all the traditional fixings such as turkey, ham, lamb, pumpkin pie, stuffing (which was questionable), mashed potatoes, and wine (thank God). I might have had two too many bottles of wine that night, but I didn’t know when I would see it again.

Most importantly though, there was butter. Now as a southern girl, I believe that butter is a main food group in its own right, and seeing as there is no butter over here, my body is still going through shock. Needless to say, when I saw the butter packs I might have slightly lost control, no thanks to the wine I might add. To Tina’s surprise, I grabbed as many as I could and put them in my purse and pockets. Two months later, I am still finding these little Anchor New Zealand Butters in my purse.  

Now, there were some non-traditional fixings as well. We had sushi, taro balls, some sort of meat on a stick, fish and a Hagen-daz ice cream buffet! There were also noodles, tiramisu, corn pudding (but not what I am used to), as well as rice of course. Even with a Chinese take on the food, it was still delicious.

For me, Thanksgiving, as it does with all holidays, means everyone shuffling from house to house and dinner to dinner. You’re full before you get to the next place you need to be and you always feel rushed. I always feel somewhat guilty leaving house number one and going to the next and I never completely relax.

This was the first year where I got to sit and eat one meal surrounded by people I have grown to consider family. I loved also being able to relax, drink too much, and laugh while being so full of good things I was really glad I wore stretchy pants. Now next year, I will gladly go back to the hustle and bustle of that annual Thursday, but this year I am thankful for the new friends I have acquired halfway away from the only world I’ve ever known.

Fast forward a few weeks and to my surprise it was Christmas, and as Leigh continued to mark her advent calendar, I continued to get excited about this merry holiday. I went into class a week before Christmas day and asked my students, “Do you know what day is next week?” and they replied with stupefied expressions. It hit me then, “Oh my God I am living in a Christmas-less country!” It had never occurred to me that living in a small town in rural China would mean that Christmas wasn’t important.

Don’t get me wrong, my students know about Christmas, but they do not know a whole lot about it. I then took it upon myself to spread Christmas spirit all around this little town. To start on Christmas Eve, Stella found an old Santa costume in storage, and you better believe I put that thing on, stuffed a pillow in my belly, and walked up to the Senior 3 classrooms. When we arrived we went straight to Stella’s office for her to walk us from room to room. When we entered each room, I would say, “Merry Christmas children Ho Ho Ho” and then Leigh and I would proceed into singing “Jingle Bells”.

As we continued from class to class, some of my nerves started to quell and I began to look at the students’ faces. This was the best part of the whole experience. Their initial reactions were priceless. Here are students who go to class fourteen hours a day seven days a week. They believe that their families’ fates lie completely in their hands. This is a form of stress I can’t even fathom, but I do know that it doesn’t change the fact that they are seventeen and eighteen years old and need to be kids too at times.

When I walked into these classrooms, I can say without a doubt that Santa Claus was the last thing they expected to see. Every time, without fail, their mouths would drop and then once their minds caught up to their eyes, the entire class would erupt in this innocent and childish laughter. It was by far the best Christmas present I have ever given or received.

Now, as I continued to walk down the halls going from class to class, one of my school’s principals saw me and Leigh and just started laughing hysterically. He then proposed that we attend morning exercises and run with the entire school around the track. Of course Leigh and I accepted, suited up the next morning, and we made it out to the track at 9:15 AM.

Upon arrival, Principal Young handed Leigh and I both a microphone. “Holy Hell”, was all that went through my head (or something to that effect). Next thing I know, Leigh and I are jamming our way through “Jingle Bells” for all of Nanyue to hear. Then in the middle of, dare I say, spectacular rendition of this traditional Christmas song, the principal started to grab our arms and make us run. Now, I can’t multitask very well so needless to say, running, singing and apparently trying to hold up my pants is not my forte. Apparently my Santa suit was not fully equipped for exercising, so when I began running laps, my pants fell down and my pillow fell to the ground. The students got a whole new version of a Christmas present that morning.

After I recovered from flashing all three thousand students, Leigh and I watched Christmas movies, chatted with our families, and went out to dinner with our school. Last Christmas, if you had asked me how I would be spending the 25th of December next year, flashing small children while dressed as Santa Claus was not an option.

Even though I am half a world away, my father still managed to surprise me with a pretty magical present. My school announced that I would be getting five weeks vacation for winter break. My father and a few other members of the family were coming for three weeks to travel this historically rich and beautiful country, but with an extra two weeks to spare, I woke up to an email from Delta stating that I was going home. At first I thought I was dreaming, so I hit delete and went back to bed, but then I slowly woke up and called Daddy immediately.

Three weeks later, I packed my bags and headed to the train station. Two sleepless nights, four flights, and one really creepy man I sat next to later, I arrived back in Richmond, VA. Now, I had not slept, showered, or honestly brushed my teeth in two days, so when I walk out past security and see my father with the video camera, I couldn’t help but just smile (this is a huge sign of growth for me by the way). I hugged my dad for what seemed like not long enough, grabbed my bags and headed home.

Pulling up our gravel driveway, seeing the dogs run to the car, and hearing the familiar “Beep Beep” of the alarm system as the door to the house opened, ironically made me so grateful that I had gone away. Part of the reason I had left to go to China was to stop watching everyone else live their life while I was stood still fearing I would miss something. While heading home, I realized life in Richmond hadn’t changed without me. My favorite coffee shop still sat on the corner, my favorite restaurant still had its specials board out front, and most of all those same gray hairs still lined my father’s mustache. For the first time since coming to China, I no longer felt the need to justify my decision. I felt at peace, while I took in the beautiful view of the James River before pulling into the driveway.

I promise I won’t be such a stranger. I love you all.

Love,

Eileen 

Dear Family and Friends,

Respect. This has been the unyielding theme
throughout my first week of classes and I have been trying to teach my close to
1,000 students the complex meaning of this seven letter word in a simplified
manner. As I continually tried to find a way of illustrating with my hands or
pictures this ever complex word, I realized the multiple layers of the
definition and I began to think of respect in terms of my own life. 

First, let me state that I am eternally grateful to my parents for
teaching me the meaning of respect. I am no angel. Let me promise you that.
There were many times that I disrespected others, but my parents had and still
do have the strength to discipline me. I got the back of my Momma’s hand many
times before the meaning of respect stuck in my mind as a child. My favorite
story from my childhood is when my brother had to string 3,000 tiny beads onto a
clear rope for being surly to my momma. He disrespected her, and my parents
would not stand for that, so for the upcoming weeks my brother beaded. He
learned very quickly that in the Butler household, surliness was not tolerated.
Now, I did not learn as quickly unfortunately, but my parents never relented in
teaching me the difference and the importance of treating others with respect. 

Unfortunately, many people in this world lack respect. I like to think
that many parents teach their children the basics of respect, like you can’t
steal from someone else or call them names, but in the end there are so many
more ways to be respectful than “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am”.  I
guess I began mulling over this idea of true respect in my head when I got to
China. It has always been a major pet peeve of mine when others treat strangers
like they are worthless because of their own choices in how they decide to live
their life. The stories are endless where people have called me stupid or
degraded me both at work, especially when I was a waitress, and in my own
personal life. A part of me started to believe what everyone else thought. 

Here in China, you are respected from the
start and will remain so as long as you deserve it. They respect you and your
choices without fail. They understand that your life is your own, and you are
the master of your own fate. They want to understand you and the ideology behind
those choices, but they will never question why you made the decisions in the
first place.

I feel that I better agree with the Chinese
philosophy on respecting others. Yesterday, I climbed to the temple on the
Hengshan Mountain, and people kept going up and handing beggars money. In
America, we shy away from homelessness and poverty because we automatically
think they have purposefully decided that fate. “Go get a job” we say. We
disagree with the choices they made and can’t understand them, so why should we
suffer and give away our money. During the strenuous climb up the mountain, I
witnessed true compassion and respect for another human beings life. These men
and women did not know the back story of who they were handing their money too,
but they understood that they needed it to survive. Without questioning their
livelihood, they gave. 

People in this world, and I have been both victim and perpetrator,
disrespect others for making decisions they do not agree with. If something is
important to another person or is a part of their lives, you must make a choice.
That choice must be to respect them and their decision or to turn and walk
away.

One thing I have witnessed and come to
understand, is that people can’t change people, only you can change yourself. I
decided to change. I did not like who I had become, so I made a choice. I like
who I am becoming. I feel myself coming alive again and I thank God everyday
for that. I get out of bed and do things that make me happy. I work out, cook,
clean (yes, Momma I clean), and take care of myself for the first time in a
very long time. I understand that it is hard to comprehend what I am doing and
why I am doing it, but I need you to respect me enough to know that what I’m
doing is right for me.

My life has changed. I am happy and I can
never go back to the way I lived my life a year ago. As I continued up the
mountain yesterday, my friend Becky looked at me and stated “you are so
outgoing”. In that one moment I realized that I once had been a very long time
ago. Before all the bullshit and sadness, yes I had been a very outgoing person,
and finally I am finding that person again. 

Now, like I said, I haven’t always been the
most respectful person, but for the one’s I have loved I have been there for
you. I know in my heart that if I love you, I have made you a priority in my
life. I might have made myself too available to you. I might have let you rely
on me too much, so when I left it seemed selfish, but I can’t apologize for
making myself a better and happier person. I won’t apologize for it anymore. So
I leave you with this; respect other people and their decisions and if you can’t
then turn around and walk away because in the end you can’t change a person and
I promise you can’t change me.


Love,
Eileen

Dear Family and Friends,

I have arrived! So my little bubble in
Changsha has burst. I am no longer surrounded by 29 other Americans where our
field directors hold our hands. Life in Nanyue is pleasant and calm. It is my
ideal. I can officially say that country life suits me. So far, Leigh and I wake
up in the morning and walk to find our favorite, and only, steamed dumpling
stand. This morning, mine had seaweed in the middle and by the end of my first
bite, I found that I do not like seaweed. Every moment here is an opportunity to
learn and I definitely learned something this morning.

Everyone here is just as I expected; incredibly sweet. Connie, my liaison, is the
epitome of “better than I could have asked for”. She is my neighbor, and has a very
adorable daughter who actually might be one of my students this year. She looks out
for us, almost in a motherly sense. She is proud to have us here, and will do anything
to make sure we are shown nothing but absolute hospitality, something the Chinese do not
take lightly. Connie will be my saving grace if I need anything at all this year.

Stella, my new friend and neighbor, is
young, vibrant, and has a love for life that is contagious. Last year, Stella
was the liaison for WorldTeach, but this year she will be teaching Senior 3 and
will not have enough time. She is newly married, and her husband works in
Hengyang, the second largest town in Hunan. He comes to Nanyue on the weekends,
and this weekend Stella is going to cook for Leigh and I so we can meet him.
Hopefully, we will pick up a few tips on how to cook using only a wok and rice
cooker, all that consists of our kitchen. I can already tell you that Stella and
I will be great friends.

Lastly, there is Rena. Rena exemplifies
beauty and elegance. She is, as Stella said, “my master”. I am not sure of
Rena’s actual title, considering I am still working on my Chinese, but I know
that I want to stay on her good side. Rena is classically beautiful and carries
herself with the upmost confidence and grace. She has been nothing but kind to
Leigh and I since the first moment we arrived in Nanyue. Our first meal here,
she escorted us to a beautiful hotel, and made sure that we wanted for nothing.
She even had the “mei nu” (waitress) bring out a knife, fork, and spoon. I
hadn’t seen one of those in such a long time, but I resisted my Western ways,
and stuck to my chopsticks.

These three women will be my foundation
while I am living at the bottom of this beautiful and holy mountain. They have
already provided me with safety, comfort, laughter, and kindness. I will forever
be in their debt, and do not know how I shall ever thank them for what they have
done.

Nanyue is an absolutely breathtaking town.
I cannot wait to explore and hike once I get my residency visa and am allowed to
enter all the parks and temples for free. Right now, I am just exploring the
streets of this quaint and idyllic town. Some of my favorite places thus far
include at the school gates where a little three or four year old boy and his
sister, who run up and scream “Hello!” and then run away laughing. They approach
us every time we pass by, and every time I laugh uncontrollably. 

Next, there are the old narrow stone
streets of Nanyue. Along these streets are different vendors that range from
selling different nuts all the way to elaborate golden Buddha’s that come up to
my waist. While you walk along these streets looking at all the different items
up for sale, the smells of incense and peppers fill your nose. Sometimes the
smell of the peppers that are cooking in the back kitchens will actually burn
your throat and eyes. It can be intense so I have learned “Bu la da” meaning “no
spicy”. For my survival, this one line has been more crucial than “Where is the
bathroom”.

While continuing along these streets you
will see the old woman who has made the journey to this mountain every August
for her entire life. She will climb the mountain with the incense she has just
purchased along that street, and light it in the temple at the top of the
mountain. There she will pray for her family and that they will remain healthy
for the upcoming year. After she feels that her prayers have been heard, she
will climb down the mountain to continue on with life, only to return to the
Hengshan Mountain next August.

Every day, I am learning more and more
about this ancient city and mountain. The stories and myths that erupted from
this place completely mesmerize me. Connie told me of the myth of the dragon and
I felt like a child again. I listened so intently to all the details of this
beast that has lived in the mountain watching over Nanyue. I look forward to
hearing more and more about the myths and legends that are the foundation of this
great culture.

Now, I don’t want you all to think there
has been little to no culture shock for me. Like I said earlier, my bubble has
burst and no one is holding my hand any longer. Becky and Geoff are far away in
Changsha and my family is even further away in America. I no longer live in my
father’s guest house and work at the same job where I know Tony would always
look out for me. I am finally realizing that I am an adult and it is time for me
to stand on my own two feet. My parents might still only be a phone call away,
but there is a 12 hour time difference so it’s not always that easy to get in
touch with them. I knew sooner or later that it would be time for me to take off
the training wheels and where better to do it than in China.  

Now I think this was most present yesterday
that I was on my own in my first faculty meeting. Now remember, my Chinese is
virtually nonexistent when it comes to anything outside of numbers and asking
for not spicy food, so I am pretty much an illiterate. At the end of the hour
long meeting, the principal introduced Leigh and I. Now let me explain, I was
slightly disoriented because of the heat and sitting in a non air conditioned
auditorium filled with cigarette smoke, so when the principal said “Lao Shi
Eileen” meaning “teacher Eileen”, I missed my cue. I stumbled up with sweat
pouring down me to the point my dress is soaked, looked out into the crowd of
teachers, and panic set in. I realized in that moment, “oh my God, do I bow or
not bow?” I had seen another teacher bow when he took the stage to give awards
or something, but what about me? So in typical American fashion, I did a half
bow that somehow turned into a full on curtsey. So now, I believe I am the
stupid American. I love living up to stereotypes. Needless to say, I came home
and googled “customary Chinese greetings”. 

Now another thing that I know that I
will not be able to call anyone to help me with is something I have been
incredibly lucky to have not encountered yet while in Nanyue, but I know it is
coming. This major problem is known over here as cockroaches. I have had one run
in with a cockroach on steroids in my hotel room, but luckily Becky came and
fought it off with my rather large shoe. My size 13 shoe beat out the
beefy roach and it died a gruesome death. Now, Leigh and everyone else have had
to deal with these God-awful pests so far, but I know my time is coming. When it
does come, I will not be able to call Terminex or my father or brother to come
and fix this problem. I will have to woman up on my own, arm myself with my
weapon of choice, and head into battle. 

Be it cockroaches or to bow or not to bow, from this trip, I hope to gain independence; independence from my dependence
on my family and friends. Even though right now my biggest problems are
cockroaches and whether to bow or not to bow, I am figuring it out on my own.
I am not calling my parents to ask their advice, because lets be real, they wouldn’t
know either. I am not calling my brother squealing in the middle of the night because
a mammoth sized alien, is running around my bathroom. Right now, it is just me,
myself and I, and I am finding that I like it.

I always prided myself on being independent
because I wasn’t afraid to go to the movies alone, or eat at a restaurant alone,
but the truth of the matter is, I have never been truly independent. I still
have urges to call Momma and Daddy when little things like this pop up, but I am
learning that I can handle this.

Now, I think it also shows a sign of
strength to know when you do need help. When you need help, it is ok to ask, but
you can’t use it as a crutch. I have also done this. You can’t take advantage of
the kindness that people will bestow upon you, because one day, they won’t stick
around to help you anymore. I myself have taken advantage of people’s kindness
and lost them because of that. I have also walked away from others who took
advantage of my kindness. I won’t let this happen anymore. 

I think true independence is knowing what
you are capable of and what you are not capable of. You need to know your own
strengths and weaknesses and I am finding that I can kill a cockroach or google
when to bow, but I might be weak when it comes to other issues. I still need my
parents for that. I still need my friends to hold my hand through tough times.
True independence is not being afraid of asking for someone’s help. True
independence stems from the confidence in knowing who you are. I strive to one
day be that confident in who I am, but right now I am enjoying the ride in
finding it out. 

Love,
Eileen

Dear Family and Friends, 

Well, today marks the last day of my orientation for WorldTeach China. I can’t believe the
first month has flown by so quickly, and that tomorrow I wake up and move to
Nanyue, Hunan. In the past three weeks, I have been tested, tried and been so
inexplicably happy. Life here in China is fantastic. Granted, I can’t hold a
conversation, order off a menu (unless it has pictures), or be one hundred
percent sure of what I am eating, but I can tell you that China is absolutely
more than I could have ever imagined. 
     
Last week, I taught for the first time in my entire life. For practicum,
there are six groups comprised of five teachers, and each group is in charge of
an entire class of students. Each teacher from the group teaches one period a
day, for five sessions. All thirty of us had spent the past two weeks in
sessions teaching us how to be the best teacher possible. Let me put it this
way, nothing could have prepared me for actually being in the
classroom.

In China, it might be the day before that you find out who you are teaching, or
where you are teaching. I planned my lessons according to what we had learned in
our own sessions with our field directors. What we didn’t know, is that we were
teaching fifty-nine of the brightest fifteen year old students in all of Hunan
and the surrounding provinces. So naturally, I came in living in my own dream world. 
Teacher Michael taught the first lesson on rules and
classroom procedures, and it went flawlessly. Seven, yes her name is Seven, came
up to me after class and said “Teacher Eileen, I have a recommendation for you”.
I replied, “Of course! What is it sweetie?” She then states in perfect English,
with very little to no accent, “Will you please ask all the teachers to speak
faster. It is a little boring.”A little later in the afternoon during Teacher
Tina’s session, we asked the students what they wanted to do for a career.
Peter, a definite child prodigy answered, “a speech therapist so I can help
others express themselves.” From that moment on, I knew I was in deep shit and
that my lesson on “this is an apple, repeat after me” wasn’t going to be
challenging enough.

 The children continued to impress me all week. We played hangman once and gave them
the category of “Famous American” and without even guessing any letters, Peter,
who for sure will either be running a Fortune 500 company or be my boss in the
next ten years, stood up and said “Abraham Lincoln”. I turned to Teacher Tina
and said “I didn’t even know that”. Needless to say, Peter’s team won, because
apparently he likes the challenge of answering correctly without any letters
filled in. It is the Chinese version of hangman. 
 
As the week progressed, I learned I love being in the classroom. For my lessons, I
taught them different American clothing styles, different sports idioms, and
also all of my favorite American foods that begin with “th”. To have a student
come up to you at the end of it all and say they loved your class, really is
satisfying, especially when your students are as intelligent as these young men
and women. It also doesn’t hurt when your students ask for your picture and
autograph.

 Now, one thing I did learn about myself this past week is that I never, ever, want to
teach primary students. Like I said earlier, you do not know your schedule until
that very moment. The school added a class of primary students to practicum and
Becky and Geoff (my field directors) desperately needed teachers to teach. I
decided “oh that will be so much fun” so I signed up (once again in my own dream world). 
 Well, I walk into the class and all hell broke loose. Only two of twenty-one students would listen to
me. One young child almost fell out the window while I stopped another from throwing a chair,
 and four students ran away without me seeing them. Becky came into the classroom with them and said “I
think you lost these”. 

I had a great lesson plan on teaching them movement words like dance, spin, shake,
etc. They wanted to punch, hit, throw, and slap. It proves a little hard to
discipline a child when you do not speak their language. I went running through
the room yelling “Shi! Shi!”, thinking I was yelling “No! No!” Actually, I was
yelling “Yes! Yes!” Needless to say, my disciplinary style for the hooligans was
not effective in the slightest. They were pretty stinking cute, but I will never
volunteer to teach a class of such small children ever again.

 Granted, the past three weeks have been nothing but eye opening for me. I am just a girl
from Richmond, VA, who one day realized if I didn’t change my life, then it
never would change. I can honestly say I love China. My sister asked me tonight
on the phone if I liked it better than home, and I could not tell you. Home is
home. There is no place like home, but China keeps surprising me and I fall in
love with it more and more every day. I can already find myself becoming very
protective of it in a sense. 

I want people to know how absolutely breathtaking this place is. Not only is the
landscape unlike anything you will every see again, but the people are truly genuine.  
From the stranger who will walk with you when you are lost to Pan Aiyi, our group’s
adopted grandmother who invites us into her home every day and cooks lunch, I have
never felt so welcomed. I shall miss them all, and each person I have met over the past
month will stay with me for the rest of my life.
 
Like I said earlier, tomorrow I pack my bags again (ugh) and head to the bottom of
the Hengshan Mountain where I will remain for the remaining ten months of my
tenure in Hunan. Things are about to change again, but I am learning that change is
extremely exciting. Change may not always be easy, but as long as you grow as a
human being then you yourself will become a stronger and better person. It saddens me that in the past, fear of change stopped me from doing certain things. I will no longer be afraid of change. I can't imagine my life being in Richmond right now. I know that my place is here. If for the next year I embrace change, and make the most out of this opportunity, then I will consider this year a success. I love you all so much. 
 
 Love,

 Eileen 
  

Oh my dearest heels,
How I wish you were here to stay.
Unfortunately, we shall not be reunited,
Until well after late May.

Heels, heels, everywhere;
In windows, stores and on the street.
I blissfully forget
Only to be met with absolute defeat.

My friends and family urged me
To leave you behind.
I should have known better
And packed you so you could shine.

Now my feet don’t hurt
And lack blisters and bunions,
But I feel naked,
Whenever I attend luncheons.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder,
But I miss you more each passing day.
The only thing that keeps me going
Is that we will be reunited aye.

Now before I depart,
My dearest parents I must plead.
If you can find it in your heart,
Please do me one last great deed.

Find my heels in the closest
Where I laid them to rest.
Please dear golly send them to me, 
Then I can once again be at my
best.

Dear Family and Friends, 

I have struggled greatly with the theme of my blog, and today in class, I
decided to address it as a letter to you. Each and every one of you reading this
has some special interest in why I am here. Maybe you are my sweet mother who is
just checking in on me or maybe you are someone who I do not know, but you are
trying to find the courage to change your life. Some think what I am doing is
adventurous, brave, and unbelievable, while others think I am selfish and
silly. Everyone is entitled to their own idea on what is right and wrong, but
for my first letter to you, I am going to explain why.

As many of you know, I have lived a very fortunate life. I have the two
greatest parents in the world, a brother and sister I adore and additional
family and friends that I thank God for every day. Why leave then? I am lost. I
have been lost for some time now. I have lived my life according to what I
thought is expected of me instead of how I wanted to. Much of my life I have
struggled with the idea of “societal expectations”. Society expects you to go to
school, graduate, get a job, get married, etc. This is a lovely ideal, but right now it is not for me.
I have travelled so far down the “expected” path I had
become blinded to the adventures that this world offers, and I no longer want to
live such a black and white life.

I have endured hardships along this
ideal path, nothing that makes me more special or different than everyone else,
but I did live in a dark place for a very long time. I am a firm believer that happiness and
hardships are like puzzle pieces, and when put together correctly they make a
whole being. I myself grew ashamed of what made me whole. I did not allow for
others to see it,  because it veered off the path of
perfection I so tried to stay on. I lived a life of constant anxiety and panic.
Panic of being a disappointment and fear of causing conflict. These fears and
insecurities led me further and further into solitude. I lied to everyone
around me and to myself that this was the only way of life. For me, it was not. 
 
In January, my entire plan for my future had dissipated in front of me, and I
had no idea where to go from there. It took time, the best medicine for all
pain, for me to realize that where I thought I should be may not actually be the right place.
I had worked my entire life for this one interview, and if I didn’t get
it, then what was I worth. I feared that my parents would not be proud of me, my
friends would pity me, and I would doubt everything I had ever worked for. All
of this in a sense did happen. I lost myself completely in January when I got
that call. 

From that point on, I had nothing to look forward to anymore.
Every day I would go about my business in the same suit as the day before. I watched as life happened to
everyone around me, but I stayed in the same place. I just sat back and watched
it all happen to everyone else. It did not occur to me that I could go right and
not the expected left until I had lunch with my Dad’s colleague. He asked me the
most important and simple question about my then current path, “Why?”. I
couldn’t answer him. I realized in that moment that I did not have any
excitement or passion for what I wanted to do. “Why do it then?” he asked. I
couldn’t give him an answer. After that lunch, I made a list of what would make
me happy in that moment.

My list consisted of three things:
1. Travel
2. Meet new people
3. Help through education
Who knew that such a simplistic list could lead me half way around the
world, but it did. 

I do not know what my future holds, but I do know that I could not have done this without any of you. Each and every one of you has touched me in some way to make me a better and stronger person. This trip is dedicated to you. Thank you for not questioning my decisions, for supporting me in the good and the bad, and being selfless enough to let me go. Saying goodbye is never easy, but I promise to take each of you along for the ride. #chinabound



Love,
Eileen