Dear Family and Friends,
I have struggled greatly with the theme of my blog, and today in class, I
decided to address it as a letter to you. Each and every one of you reading this
has some special interest in why I am here. Maybe you are my sweet mother who is
just checking in on me or maybe you are someone who I do not know, but you are
trying to find the courage to change your life. Some think what I am doing is
adventurous, brave, and unbelievable, while others think I am selfish and
silly. Everyone is entitled to their own idea on what is right and wrong, but
for my first letter to you, I am going to explain why.
As many of you know, I have lived a very fortunate life. I have the two
greatest parents in the world, a brother and sister I adore and additional
family and friends that I thank God for every day. Why leave then? I am lost. I
have been lost for some time now. I have lived my life according to what I
thought is expected of me instead of how I wanted to. Much of my life I have
struggled with the idea of “societal expectations”. Society expects you to go to
school, graduate, get a job, get married, etc. This is a lovely ideal, but right now it is not for me.
I have travelled so far down the “expected” path I had
become blinded to the adventures that this world offers, and I no longer want to
live such a black and white life.
I have endured hardships along this
ideal path, nothing that makes me more special or different than everyone else,
but I did live in a dark place for a very long time. I am a firm believer that happiness and
hardships are like puzzle pieces, and when put together correctly they make a
whole being. I myself grew ashamed of what made me whole. I did not allow for
others to see it, because it veered off the path of
perfection I so tried to stay on. I lived a life of constant anxiety and panic.
Panic of being a disappointment and fear of causing conflict. These fears and
insecurities led me further and further into solitude. I lied to everyone
around me and to myself that this was the only way of life. For me, it was not.
In January, my entire plan for my future had dissipated in front of me, and I
had no idea where to go from there. It took time, the best medicine for all
pain, for me to realize that where I thought I should be may not actually be the right place.
I had worked my entire life for this one interview, and if I didn’t get
it, then what was I worth. I feared that my parents would not be proud of me, my
friends would pity me, and I would doubt everything I had ever worked for. All
of this in a sense did happen. I lost myself completely in January when I got
that call.
From that point on, I had nothing to look forward to anymore.
Every day I would go about my business in the same suit as the day before. I watched as life happened to
everyone around me, but I stayed in the same place. I just sat back and watched
it all happen to everyone else. It did not occur to me that I could go right and
not the expected left until I had lunch with my Dad’s colleague. He asked me the
most important and simple question about my then current path, “Why?”. I
couldn’t answer him. I realized in that moment that I did not have any
excitement or passion for what I wanted to do. “Why do it then?” he asked. I
couldn’t give him an answer. After that lunch, I made a list of what would make
me happy in that moment.
My list consisted of three things:
1. Travel
2. Meet new people
3. Help through education
Who knew that such a simplistic list could lead me half way around the
world, but it did.
I do not know what my future holds, but I do know that I could not have done this without any of you. Each and every one of you has touched me in some way to make me a better and stronger person. This trip is dedicated to you. Thank you for not questioning my decisions, for supporting me in the good and the bad, and being selfless enough to let me go. Saying goodbye is never easy, but I promise to take each of you along for the ride. #chinabound
Love,
Eileen
I have struggled greatly with the theme of my blog, and today in class, I
decided to address it as a letter to you. Each and every one of you reading this
has some special interest in why I am here. Maybe you are my sweet mother who is
just checking in on me or maybe you are someone who I do not know, but you are
trying to find the courage to change your life. Some think what I am doing is
adventurous, brave, and unbelievable, while others think I am selfish and
silly. Everyone is entitled to their own idea on what is right and wrong, but
for my first letter to you, I am going to explain why.
As many of you know, I have lived a very fortunate life. I have the two
greatest parents in the world, a brother and sister I adore and additional
family and friends that I thank God for every day. Why leave then? I am lost. I
have been lost for some time now. I have lived my life according to what I
thought is expected of me instead of how I wanted to. Much of my life I have
struggled with the idea of “societal expectations”. Society expects you to go to
school, graduate, get a job, get married, etc. This is a lovely ideal, but right now it is not for me.
I have travelled so far down the “expected” path I had
become blinded to the adventures that this world offers, and I no longer want to
live such a black and white life.
I have endured hardships along this
ideal path, nothing that makes me more special or different than everyone else,
but I did live in a dark place for a very long time. I am a firm believer that happiness and
hardships are like puzzle pieces, and when put together correctly they make a
whole being. I myself grew ashamed of what made me whole. I did not allow for
others to see it, because it veered off the path of
perfection I so tried to stay on. I lived a life of constant anxiety and panic.
Panic of being a disappointment and fear of causing conflict. These fears and
insecurities led me further and further into solitude. I lied to everyone
around me and to myself that this was the only way of life. For me, it was not.
In January, my entire plan for my future had dissipated in front of me, and I
had no idea where to go from there. It took time, the best medicine for all
pain, for me to realize that where I thought I should be may not actually be the right place.
I had worked my entire life for this one interview, and if I didn’t get
it, then what was I worth. I feared that my parents would not be proud of me, my
friends would pity me, and I would doubt everything I had ever worked for. All
of this in a sense did happen. I lost myself completely in January when I got
that call.
From that point on, I had nothing to look forward to anymore.
Every day I would go about my business in the same suit as the day before. I watched as life happened to
everyone around me, but I stayed in the same place. I just sat back and watched
it all happen to everyone else. It did not occur to me that I could go right and
not the expected left until I had lunch with my Dad’s colleague. He asked me the
most important and simple question about my then current path, “Why?”. I
couldn’t answer him. I realized in that moment that I did not have any
excitement or passion for what I wanted to do. “Why do it then?” he asked. I
couldn’t give him an answer. After that lunch, I made a list of what would make
me happy in that moment.
My list consisted of three things:
1. Travel
2. Meet new people
3. Help through education
Who knew that such a simplistic list could lead me half way around the
world, but it did.
I do not know what my future holds, but I do know that I could not have done this without any of you. Each and every one of you has touched me in some way to make me a better and stronger person. This trip is dedicated to you. Thank you for not questioning my decisions, for supporting me in the good and the bad, and being selfless enough to let me go. Saying goodbye is never easy, but I promise to take each of you along for the ride. #chinabound
Love,
Eileen
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