A week ago, I ventured to Changsha for a little taste of friends and home. I have been getting a little, dare I say, homesick these past couple of weeks. On Friday night, I was talking to a fellow expat from the UK and as always he asked me “Why China?” I gave him a half truth, or perhaps even a one-eighth truth with as to why I picked up my life and moved halfway around the world leaving everything and everyone I love and hold dear. Even through all of the vague and unclear reasoning I gave him, he answered with the most direct answer that has been playing in my head over and over, “So China is your answer”. I looked down at my Tsingtao beer and nodded my head slightly and responded with a clear and concise “Yes”. This place and these people have been my saving grace.
Lately, I have been thinking about the concept of home. They say “home is where the heart is”, and part of my heart is definitely back in Virginia, but the other part is here with me in China. On the lonely days I miss Virginia the most. I long for my family and to meet my sweet and innocent nephew Bryan. I want him to know how much I love him already without even having held him. I long for my friends and the lazy days we spent together on the couch watching horrible (but still my favorite) television, but most of all I long for the comfort.
I long for the comfort that only the place you have called home for 25 years can deliver. A sense of comfort that was born from memorizing the trees that line Riverside Drive during the fall, and the way the air smells at the farm during the summer after the grass has just been cut. It comes from memorizing my mother’s laugh as we sit around her dinner table and relive stories from our childhood that left us “traumatized”. Most of all, I miss that feeling of being completely enveloped in that comfort.
I am finally learning that in my life there is a difference between “comfort” and “comfortable”. To me the negative connotation associated with “comfortable” is not necessarily attached to “comfort” as well. The two do not go hand in hand, but have different qualities that make them separate entities entirely. Personally, “comfort” encompasses a raw and more pure element. It stems from a person, place or thing that awakens a feeling inside of you that only something you have known your whole life can motivate. Being “comfortable” enlists a lack of trying to be better or a hopelessness that things will change.
I used to be afraid that I was too “comfortable” in Richmond, and today I still believe that was true. I lived a very “comfortable” life. I lived a life where people still treated me like a child in a sense and I welcomed it. I welcomed it not because I wanted to live that way, but because I knew no differently. I lived at home, working the same job, and had absolutely no sense of direction. I had no idea how to change my life. I had no idea how to change me.
With the acknowledgment of my “comfortable” lifestyle and the urge to change, a disdain for the “comfort” in my life began to grow. I grouped the two together without ever realizing that they are so very different. I began believing that they very much went hand in hand and that I couldn't have one without the other. My only rationalization was to leave, and I did.
I don’t regret leaving, because without it, I would never have realized how utterly grateful I am for everything that is back in Virginia. I am learning that people change, grow, and move on, and that is exactly what I had to do. To this day, I don’t believe I could have stayed in Richmond and been happy, but without a doubt, I know that one day I will call it home again.
As I sit outside and listen to the rain that is coming down caused by the Typhoon that is slowly but surely heading to Nanyue, I am torn between this life that I am currently living and the life I used to take for granted. My life here is simple and uncomplicated. I wake up in the morning and go for a hike in the mountains or a run to take in some fresh air, after I will eat lunch in the canteen with wonderful teachers and friends (granted I am not always sure what I am eating), and in the afternoon, I will go to my yoga club for class. That is my typical day. Granted there is teaching involved but every day and every week, my schedule is different it seems. I couldn't ask for a better life style, but I long to be a part of my family again.
China has given me many gifts, but the greatest has been this appreciation for family. I wouldn't change a minute of my time here, for I have learned so much, but once I return to Virginia, I will hold onto my mother as tightly as possible and go for a long car ride listening to “Hippie” music with my father. I will hold my nephew indefinitely (I am sorry Courtney and Patrick you will have to give him up for at least a week) and I will sit and talk with my lovely sister. This is my future, and I am so excited for it.
Today, Connie came over and gave me a Chinese name “Ai Lin”, meaning “Chinese herb”. Apparently it is an herb that cures pain. Ironically, China has begun to cure my pain and I believe as my new friend stated, I have found my answer.
I love you all so very much and I will be home again soon.
Love,
Eileen
Lately, I have been thinking about the concept of home. They say “home is where the heart is”, and part of my heart is definitely back in Virginia, but the other part is here with me in China. On the lonely days I miss Virginia the most. I long for my family and to meet my sweet and innocent nephew Bryan. I want him to know how much I love him already without even having held him. I long for my friends and the lazy days we spent together on the couch watching horrible (but still my favorite) television, but most of all I long for the comfort.
I long for the comfort that only the place you have called home for 25 years can deliver. A sense of comfort that was born from memorizing the trees that line Riverside Drive during the fall, and the way the air smells at the farm during the summer after the grass has just been cut. It comes from memorizing my mother’s laugh as we sit around her dinner table and relive stories from our childhood that left us “traumatized”. Most of all, I miss that feeling of being completely enveloped in that comfort.
I am finally learning that in my life there is a difference between “comfort” and “comfortable”. To me the negative connotation associated with “comfortable” is not necessarily attached to “comfort” as well. The two do not go hand in hand, but have different qualities that make them separate entities entirely. Personally, “comfort” encompasses a raw and more pure element. It stems from a person, place or thing that awakens a feeling inside of you that only something you have known your whole life can motivate. Being “comfortable” enlists a lack of trying to be better or a hopelessness that things will change.
I used to be afraid that I was too “comfortable” in Richmond, and today I still believe that was true. I lived a very “comfortable” life. I lived a life where people still treated me like a child in a sense and I welcomed it. I welcomed it not because I wanted to live that way, but because I knew no differently. I lived at home, working the same job, and had absolutely no sense of direction. I had no idea how to change my life. I had no idea how to change me.
With the acknowledgment of my “comfortable” lifestyle and the urge to change, a disdain for the “comfort” in my life began to grow. I grouped the two together without ever realizing that they are so very different. I began believing that they very much went hand in hand and that I couldn't have one without the other. My only rationalization was to leave, and I did.
I don’t regret leaving, because without it, I would never have realized how utterly grateful I am for everything that is back in Virginia. I am learning that people change, grow, and move on, and that is exactly what I had to do. To this day, I don’t believe I could have stayed in Richmond and been happy, but without a doubt, I know that one day I will call it home again.
As I sit outside and listen to the rain that is coming down caused by the Typhoon that is slowly but surely heading to Nanyue, I am torn between this life that I am currently living and the life I used to take for granted. My life here is simple and uncomplicated. I wake up in the morning and go for a hike in the mountains or a run to take in some fresh air, after I will eat lunch in the canteen with wonderful teachers and friends (granted I am not always sure what I am eating), and in the afternoon, I will go to my yoga club for class. That is my typical day. Granted there is teaching involved but every day and every week, my schedule is different it seems. I couldn't ask for a better life style, but I long to be a part of my family again.
China has given me many gifts, but the greatest has been this appreciation for family. I wouldn't change a minute of my time here, for I have learned so much, but once I return to Virginia, I will hold onto my mother as tightly as possible and go for a long car ride listening to “Hippie” music with my father. I will hold my nephew indefinitely (I am sorry Courtney and Patrick you will have to give him up for at least a week) and I will sit and talk with my lovely sister. This is my future, and I am so excited for it.
Today, Connie came over and gave me a Chinese name “Ai Lin”, meaning “Chinese herb”. Apparently it is an herb that cures pain. Ironically, China has begun to cure my pain and I believe as my new friend stated, I have found my answer.
I love you all so very much and I will be home again soon.
Love,
Eileen
RSS Feed